Translation (bad spelling intact):
January 28, 1996 Sunday
I have LOT to catch you up on.Well fri. 12, we found out what part we got for the musical.It sucks.I'm just in Chorus.AGAIN but I'm alright 'bout it now.Then Sat. we had GSL finals and Frank & I SUCKED!We didn't even place.I felt HORRIBLE so that week SUCKED!Then the next week went by smoothly.Sun 21, or was it Sat 20, I don't remember but Todd and I went ice skating, and I fell inall over again.We had a blast- we went to Denny's afterward and it was GREAT.We meet Margo and we sat w/ her and her boyfriend Andy Then Monday we went to the LOOP to go thrift store shopping and life was all good.Then Tuesday cameThe 23 SCARY SCARY MONSTER Todd DUMPED me.
He said he just wanted to be done I cried and I started joking again.So this week has been total HELL.I stillhim SO SO much.I can't stand being w/out him.Then yesterday I went to his house and he fell asleep.I wanted him to hold me so I told him to get up and entertain me.So he grabbed me and pulled me in his arms.It was so warm and I felt SO SO GOODThen he started on top of me and we made out well he woke up later and said he didn't remember any of that.It hurt because he didn't remember and I was so excited cause I thought he liked me again and it was like being dumped ALL OVER AGAIN!Oh it was terrible so my life pretty much SUCKSAnd now I'm sitting here listening to 'Matthew Sweet' and he was the guy Todd and I listened to all the way to and from South Dakota.So it's Double Depressing.
LIFE SUCKS AND I WISH I WAS DEAD!
The only photo I have of Todd and I (with the debate team) We are the ones blinded by the light.
I qualify Todd as my first truly real boyfriend.We had an off and on again relationship, but he was the closest to a real boyfriend that lasted with some frequency and wasn't just a figment of my imaginative brain.And he wasn't gay, so plus points there.
Before I dive into Todd navel gazing:the musical.The highlight of the high school drama year.To put into context how hard it was to get any significant role in the musical, while I was in high school we had a group of amazingly talented singers and dancers.Two are currently making a career as Opera Singers throughout the United States.One performs in Florida for various organizations, including Disney World at one point.And one is starring on the Broadway Hit 'Motown' and has been seen on Katie Couric and was at the Tony's.These are extremely talented people that are doing extremely amazing things with their talents (There are also a lot of musicians that have popped out of our Pattonville Alumni- but that is another story)I don't know what was in the water back then, but it was a great group of talented teens that were all auditioning and making it into the musical.
I loved to perform.I loved acting, but for some reason I was never cast in a leading role in any of the plays or musicals.I turned to Speech and Debate as a way to perform and excelled enough doing that.In fact, I think that work better prepared me for a life in theatre than my work in the high school plays.I do not fear auditions, in fact I LOVE them- it's the hard work of performing day in day out that scares the bejesus out of me!Regardless, being in the chorus Yet Again was a bit of a downer.I did get upgraded to Postulant #2 as we went through the scenes, but I didn't have a line- just a different habit.
At this point I was getting into the swing of Duo Interpretation in Speech and Debate, but had yet to meet Jason and begin our year of dominance in Missouri Duo Competitions.Justin was a filler as I tried to find the guy or gal that could compliment my energy.I did some Solo Humorous Interpretation for a while, but I enjoyed the interaction of Duo.I also did a little Lincoln Douglas Debate and a shit ton of judging of the Freshman and Sophomores.Most weekends were spent on debate tourneys and traveling around the Midwest region gathering trophies for PHS.
On one of these trips (to South Dakota) I met Todd.He was doing HI and we would practice occasionally at the same time with Mr. L.He was shorter, but he has amazing hair- I remember the hair.He also like bands I've never heard of, collected Anime (he introduced me to Ranma 1/2), he had a hint of the nerd-rebel that was a laser straight to my heart.I remember we laughed a lot, and there was a lot of horseplay.I also remember that he was one boy that I began a friendship first and really got to know ME, which is why he dumped me once we started dating because I had a bad habit of changing into what I assumed was "girlfriend material" once I was dating someone.It was kind of shitty dumping me after having what looks like an awesome weekend, but when you date nerd-rebel guys they come with a caveat of depression and pushing-away syndrome.
Now the whole sleeping and then making out and then acting like you don't rememberat the time I felt like a stupid idiot.I can see now that I was practically raping him and as a young male he just acted on his instincts and then he backtracked in order to keep an understanding that we aren't in a relationship.This is a technique I used too often, sexualize situations again in order to gain intimacy.If any young ones learn anything from my mistakes is that sex does not equal intimacy (or only as long as the sex is happening- if even.)I held onto Todd for a long time.Even after graduation I would find myself in his neighborhood and would drive by on my way to someone else's house.When I had trouble falling asleep, I would daydream of meeting him again and us hitting it off.He was a great mixture of trouble/sweetness/funny/cool that I wanted to be seen with him.Like I was a cool enough girl to be with him.
I still love Matthew Sweet by the way.His Girlfriend album is amazing.
So I am almost at my 20th Throwback Thursday and I have something exciting planned, but I wanted to ask you all a little question regarding Throwback Thursdays: